Jump In

What would change if we crossed the line?
why are we so afraid to enter that world?
I long to belong to you
I long to tell the world things only you know
It gets worse the longer I go without you

When we touch base I understand
But I wonder about it too
Are you afraid for me or the loss
What will we really lose
which is the illusion that which we have
or that which is wanted...

What if we never get a chance to try
What if you grow tired of me
What if this life without you takes me over

Where is the path that i must choose eventually
and once chosen will we regret that we waited so long
Or get there and decide it wasn't worth it

It is what it is you say over and over
but what if it isn't
what if it could be something else

how do we jump
will we ever jump
if i fall will you catch me
be there be here for me

No time

Connections missed
messages left
tag you're it

missing calls
no time to talk
secrets lost

dreams seem real
hold me tight
wake to nothing

hear the anguish
fight the future
doubt in your voice

trying to connect
lost in the distance
no one answers

tell me your story
listen to mine
no news is good news

missing you
missing me
how long can this go on?

Do I end it?
It is what it is
why can't it be different?

Tired of not knowing
Tired of secrets
Tired of waiting

I want the world to know
how much you mean to me

I want my friends to meet
to play together

I want to try a new life
I want to wake up beside you

Missing you
missing the call
missing the talk

Be safe
come back to me
be there for me

Love feels so far away

Life Goes On

So you know how i get when i'm reading and this book was no exception. So it has been three weeks and gosh i really miss you. I know you've tried and it is very frustrating that we haven't connected. I know that if we were more than friends it would be worse but then i'd have more to hold on to as well. I understand why we aren't more than friends and it's ok, really it is. Although sometimes it would be so nice to come home to a different life. To find a way to you and I wonder why we don't make at least small moves towards that other life. So anyway, there i was walking the dog I was thinking about you and missing you and wishing I was allowed to tell you that I love you and have loved you for a very long time. I know that you love me and I know that is why things are as they are. I hope that you don't make any moves because you love me and don't want to make it any harder than it is...or do we stay where we are because we are afraid that it wouldn't be worth it. That the love we feel isn't enough. Is it better for you because it is hidden and dangerous? Do you risk it just enough to feel a thrill or are you as driven towards me as i am towards you? Sometimes i get tired of the secrets and the wishing and I'm glad we are so far apart. A part of me wants to end it all. To walk away from the edge and just forget that we ever got this far. it would be hard but we'd both gone on - after all, we've never really been together and this something is really more nothing than anything. And then I get a call or hear your year old voice mail and the right song comes on...I want to share my latest find with you but I miss the call. I hate missing the call, I hate having a secret, I hate that I am so far away. Not that here is bad because it isn't and I love so much in my life...it's just missing something...it's missing you.

Playing with Fire

Once in a while
I wait for your call
And wish I could reach

One morning I woke
From a dream of you
it lasted all day

I wish i could hold that feeling
I missed your call
Unexpected but timely

I smile at the thought
Knowing you tried
It's almost as good
As the real thing

Poems to You

I write poems to still the voices in my head. To make order of the thoughts that run through it in random fashion all the time. I write to create the pictures i can not draw. I write to remember the joy or pain of a moment. To bring calm to the confusion of the white noise that is the background of my mind.

I write to you because of all the people in my life, you were the first to listen. You were the first to ask to see them. You take them seriously. When i write to you, i see possibilities in a hopeless situation. I try to bring substance to a dream. I can talk to you without talking to you.

I try to think of things to say, silly things to do, to make you laugh because that sound is one i don't hear often enough. My life is seldom still, the demands are frequent the fighting struggling to become mask the joy that should be seen all around.

I've lost the quiet that allows my thoughts to meld.

i wanted to write you something each week. Don't think that is going to happen. There is a poem waiting to be born. I just haven't found the words in the correct order yet.

wait for me
come to me
stay with me
find me again

Pictures I'd like to have

A picture would be nice
The picnic bench where we have yet to meet
The rocks where we shiver
The top of the mountain where we haven't walked

I still want a picture of your eyes

It is what it is

Sven, I really needed you today.  Oh well, things being what they are it was for the best.  I just wish I could have heard your voice.  

I'd like to call and be able to see you.  I thought I was ready but I'm not.  I want to be brave and beautiful and look you in the eyes as I finally say goodbye.  

I know you think it has been said.  Really it was left unsaid.  Like a dangling metaphor, you wanted us to still be friends.  But friendship can't be one sided.  You haven't reached out to me and I know you could if you wanted.  The point is that you don't want to.  I am still working on accepting that reality.  I still can't reach out in friendship.  I'm still too angry, hurt, afraid to go back to that pain.  

I have other pain to deal with, pain that has nothing to do with you.  Someday I would like to be indifferent to the thought of you.  I hope I reach that point.  But for now I will dream of other things and go back to making my life better.  I have found peace in where I am.  I am happier than I've been in a long time.  Being happy takes work but once I got the hang of it, I find it more often.

Live well, laugh often, love the one you're with.  

string of bubbles

our meetings are bubbles
fragile-beautiful-complete 

but we can't live there

i want to stay inside 
push myself through the walls

but i exist in another space

it is what it is

you say this to me
to keep me safe, secure, sane
and i believe you

it is what it is

and it is so much more

a tiny truth revealed
your wants needs desires
another bubble to the chain

it is what it is

and still it isn't

each time growing stronger
another type of bubble

waiting for creation

it is what it is

a quiet peaceful meadow
waiting for the moment

it is what it is

tiny string of bubbles
watch as it floats away

enough

i used to want all of you
days nights the time in between
then I watched you disappear below me
like a whisper in the wind
and you were gone

i used to want more
more time more touch
more knowing
it was always too short
i was always leaving

i used to think i could fix it
i could hold every moment in a life
that knowing every moment
would keep me safe

i wanted to to crawl inside you
never leave - that it would continue
I thought i could have that
and then you left

it was never enough
our moments of laughter hugs smiles
i was always wanting more
never knowing what was missing
and then it was over

a small voice was there beside me
not quite heard all along
sending music and love
telling me not to take it so seriously
holding out hope of a different kind
and suddenly i saw

it could be enough

sometimes i want more
more time, more laughter, more freedom
your presence fills me like no other
and when you're here I am complete

you're a part of me - you touch me
in ways i do not understand
it is a very small part of you
but the part i have is enough

one day i will have more
i believe this to be true
that patience, caring and
waiting will be rewarded

you will come to me
i will find my way to you
we will build a different life
with the pieces that we have given
time will heal us both

and it will be enough

Trouble with distance

Things are mixed up.  Up is down and down is up. 

it feels like it has been a long time

I know it hasn't but it does

my trips will end soon

this one may be the last

Oh Sven

what will I do without hope of seeing you?

How will I continue?

What can we do?

Life is so short

small moments are enough

but to know we won't have them

Oh well

things move on

I guess I will too

i miss you bud

Summer 2007

Down by the hotel.  

Up on the mountain.

I want

I want to look across the room to catch you watching me

I want to roll over and touch you in the morning

I want to wake up early to see the sun rise

I want to dance in the sand under the stars

I want to watch you play with your children

I want to see your smile in their eyes

I want to catch you sharing secrets 

Dancing in your arms

I am a bird

I want to be a bird

soaring in the sky

but I find myself

tethered to my nest

You are the trunk

solid safe unyielding

at times sheltering

others holding me 

to the earth

You are my roots

I fly up into the sky

I will come back to the nest

to be warm safe sheltered

Let me sway in the wind

and jump into the sky

you are a tree

you are a tree

roots deep into the ground

straight and tall

reach into the sky

hard and unbending

you sway in the storm

I hide in your branches

safe in my nest

lost in the leaves

awaiting the fall

unable to see the sky

steady and solid

unchanging growing slowly

you are a tree

Sven

We fit together 

Like a hook & eye

Fish Hook 

Open eye

I can't remember the author but those are 4 of my favorite lines.

Sven is a dream a thought a wish a figment of the imagination

Sven is a hope a hand to hold on to a savior in dark times

Sven stands in the light a calm in the storm a friend waiting

Sven claims my heart but doesn't take it

Someday I will find Sven or whatever his true name is

We will meet some place ordinary 

But something special will begin

It's a quiet feeling

like a warm sweater on a cool night

It's a sense of belonging

like coming home after a long trip

the sound of your voice

the beat of your heart

the warmth of your smile

the laughter in your eyes

One day this world will exist

And maybe we both will get it right

Chuck Dave & John

I sit on the outside looking in

one week a year I try on your life

Show me how to do this

I plead into silence

waiting for directions that never explain

I stand by a circle of friends

and long to be included

but once inside the group

I stand our - awkward- different

a square peg in a round hole

Show me how to change 

I implore the darkness

skirting the edge of acceptance

I am stuck in the middle

not belonging at either end

wanting to be home in a life that's not mine

living in a house more empty than full

Show me the way out

I shout at the mirrors

wandering endless hallways

leading nowhere

Bits & Pieces

bits and pieces work together

but as a whole they don't

lines from a song drift by me

just another day becomes special

three words stay unspoken waiting the right time

shall we hold them in your heart or mine

There's a hole in my heart

the size of your smile

a space in my life

that you seem to fill

Peace of Mind

If I tell you how I feel

will you walk away

If I risk it all for you

will you meet me halfway

If I let myself fall

will you be there

Send me a song

write me a code

Show me the stars

meet me on the mountain

take time to know me

hold tight as we fall

Can I be your peace of mind

Summer somewhere

take my hand

climb a mountain

watch the sun set

talk of the past

picture the future

ocean at sun rise

in the distance a garden

a house built by you

my words on the wall

dream of a place

freedom and friendship

hearts entwined

it won't happen I know

words will stay unspoken

but sometimes just sometimes

I wish it would

Around

Build me a house

with skylights and music

a swing on the porch

white fence all around

Plant me a garden

with flowers and sunshine

a pool in the middle

green woods all around

Find me a future

with friendship and promise

a hand to hold on to

bright stars all around

untitled

Letters I will never send

Conversations I will never have

Dreams that will never come true

I thought I saw something in you

but I was wrong

If I pretend not to care

will I succeed

or only continue fooling myself